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Monday, March 4, 2013

Narc - A Satirical Poem on the Media

There's no telling the telling that I'll tell on you
If I see you doing what you ought not to do
I'll note it and dote it and report it all too
If I see you doing what you ought not to do

And if I am sneaky and careful and neat
I'll capture on camera and record what you speak
Then print it and post it all over the news
If I see you doing what you ought not to do

You can run and you can hide, but you can't run AND hide
Your life is very slippery spiral slope slide
And despite your best efforts your PR aide too
I'll still print the things that I know about you

And who is to say what you ought not to do?
I am who says what you can and can't do
For all who I tell will blindly believe
That you are a liar with tricks up your sleeve
And even if what I say is simply not true
There is no one, nowhere, who will believe you
If I see you doing what you ought not to do

There's no telling the telling that I'll tell on you
If I see you doing what you ought not to do
I'll note it and dote it and report it all too
If I see you doing what you ought not to do

--Jake Garrett

If I Was A Werewolf

If I was a werewolf, I would howl at the moon
I would eat with my claws and neglect the spoon
I'd eat kindergartners like they were just snacks
but most of all, I'd kill Jacob Black

Werewolves spare no one, not even pretty girls
or girls who Hollywood tells you are pretty girls
real werewolves are malicious and hauntingly vicious
and would kill Jacob Black though not very delicious

Hey Mr. Black, do you know what they would do?
The Wolfman and Teen Wolf, if they knew about you?
They'd rip you and tear you and chew right through
Cause funny enough, that's what werewolves do
For real werewolves hate werewolves who are fakes
and hang out with vegan vampires by lakes
who substitute humans for celery
You're a disgrace to the wolves who you claim to be

You're a poser Jacob Black, you put real wolves to shame
that's why yours is the first name that I name
that's on my list of heads that I'll crack
cause all real wolves hate you, Jacob Black
--Jake Garrett

I Want a Pet Sarlacc Named Marty - by Jake Garrett

I want a pet Sarlacc named Marty
I'd feed him only hunters of bounty
I'd show my friends at a dinner party
then feed them to him with pure sociopathic glee

I know I couldn't take Marty for walks
no one makes leashes that are quite that long
but Marty prefers our long philosophical talks
after having fed him a high school dance team on a bus

Marty and me we'll be as happy can be
content to just lie in the sun
and though by thousands of years he'll outlive me

I'm glad to know that I fed him my high school gym teacher after all

he's as hungry an omnivorous anthropod as you've ever seen
and lonely still it would seem
for his tentacles are far to big and clumsy
to search for a mate on singlesarlaccs.com

His family I know, I can never replace
for they live so very far away
and he may never again look upon his mother's face
because it may have been ripped off by a greater krayt dragon from Kashyyyk

and though he'll miss the dunes and the pit of Carkoon
I'll make do with a pile of sand
cause my back yard is small and my mom disapproves
Wait a second, I'll just feed her to Marty. Problem solved.

Marty's loud laughter could wake the dead
but I'm not concerned about that
for when zombies rise I'll have nothing to dread
Marty likes his humans fermented

Marty's a killer with a heart of gold it's true
and a wonderful garbage disposal
but above all he'll bend an ear for you
while it digests in his stomach for a millenium

So if you don't cross me and you don't cross him
we'll share a few laughs together
Marty and me and possibly you
we'll laugh as dear Boba's dismemebered

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Episode #7

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What's in the box?

Politics

White House Reporters Livid After Missing Obama's Golf Game With Tiger Woods

Opinion
Guns For Greatness

I don't think that the crowd turning up to a Beyonce concert would necessarily be a big gun toting group, and the small percentage that do have guns aren't crazy killers. I think that it is ineffective, but I'll give them props for trying. More guns does not equal more safety. Look at accidental gun deaths. How many children shoot themselves or their friends with their parents guns? We can't erroneously believe that the definition of "responsible gun owner" means someone who hasn't murdered anyone. The kids accidentally shooting themselves are dying because their "responsible" gun owning parents leave their weapons out.

Guns should be registered to their owner who must pass background checks and safety courses. The 2nd amendment should have limitations just like the first amendment. You have the right to free speech to an extent. The are things by law you cannot say. Felons who have broken the law should not be given unrestricted access to guns. By breaking the law they forfeit their right to bear arms. I'ma gonna stop.

I don't care!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Episode #6

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Week in Headlines

What's in the box?

Politics

Professor bans Fox News as source:

Opinion
Crazy Israeli Sniper puts child in cross hairs posts to instagram. This is despicable and disgusting.

I don't care!

Extra

Burglars steal Hooters' jukebox thinking its an ATM

2 Charged in Witch Burning

Dine and Abandon date

Monday, February 18, 2013

Special: Star Wars News Edition #1

So much star wars news that I decided I needed to do a special Star Wars Edition of the Gnomebuddieshome podcast:

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The Star Wars That I Used to Know

(Parody of Somebody that I used to Know by Gotye)

Saturday, February 16, 2013