I Should Have Been A Weatherman.

I was just looking at the weather and according to weather.com, it says it is currently 91 degrees but it "feels like 90." I wonder how much the person gets paid to say what they think the weather "feels like".  I could do that job, "Whooo, man, it feels like really hot out here tonight, I'm gonna guess based solely on how much I'm sweating, it's gotta be at least 100 degrees." 


Money in the bank. 


But then I thought to myself, do I really wanna be the guy who disagrees over one degree? "Yeah Bob, I see that the thermometer says 91, but it just ain't that hot out tonight. I'm gonna go ahead and say it feels like 90, because come on, 91?  There is just no way.  I've felt 91 countless times in my life, and this? This just isn't a 91 kinda heat." 

I guess it depends on how much they're paying me to be a jerk for a living.

I wonder how a job interview for that position would go? I imagine it to go something like this:

"What makes you qualified to feel weather?"
"I don't know, ever since I was a kid I just kind of had a knack for it, you know?"  
"I thought I felt something just now...do you know what that was?"
"That was probably indigestion."
"Very good..."

Then they would test the candidate's ability to feel things by blindfolding them and having them touch random stuff.  

"This feels like a dead rat."  
"That is correct.  And this?"
"Definitely a shoe string dipped in peanut butter and...sprinkled with oregano."
"That is also correct. And this?" 
"The object with which you slapped me across the face was a live herring."
"Gooooood..."

The weird thing is you know that that person probably has a masters or doctorate degree in something.  

So I browsed around on the website for a little longer, and saw this thing that says "15 Minute Details."  And you know what?  I'm not so sure that I want this job anymore.  The Feels-Like weatherperson has a grueling job!  Every fifteen minutes he/she has to be confrontational.  Right now, for example, science is declaring that the temperature has dropped down to 83 degrees,  but it "feels like" 81 degrees.  "Yeah Bob, I know it says 83, but I have an instinctive habit, a Pavlov's dog, if you will, that I put on a light wind breaker at 82.  I have put on my windbreaker, and I wouldn't do that if it didn't feel like it was sub 82.  I have zipped it halfway and put my hands part way in my pockets, which means it's gotta be an 81 right now, Bob."  Man, I would hate working with someone like that.

Predicting weather is kind of a sham anyway. It's been less than 100 years since meteorologists have been tracking weather patterns that could influence chance of rain. Since they don't have that much to go on, it's still a work in progress.  That's why when they say there's a 10% chance of precipitation and I plan on a big outing outside, it rains like crazy all day and I have to stay inside.  And with global warming becoming more and more of an issue, that's gonna throw some crazy outlier wrenches into the cogs of statistics.  What they should do, is the "Feels-Like" weatherperson could wear two hats, if he/she has time, and be the guesser for rain.  "It feels like 50 degrees, and maybe some rain, I don't know.  That's a funnel cloud over there.  I just felt a small cat strike the side of my head, I'm thinking a tornado.  Ok, there is definitely going to be some crazy stuff going on, so don't get out the barbeque just yet."

Ok, I guess maybe I don't want to be a weatherman.  Being confrontational every 15 minutes and getting struck by flying felines would just bring me down.  Plus I'd have to go through all that extra school, too. 

I can't help but feel bad for Bob, too.  

Robots Making Robots (Made In The USA)

      For those of you who know me personally, you probably know how I feel about drones.  I got into some hot water on Facebook because a friend of mine is in the military.  She has a different point of view, or from what I gathered, misinterpreted my view.  My original statement had to do with a simple question: "Why is it that when another country attacks us from the sky, it's terrorism, but when the US attacks another country from the sky, it's 'National Defense'?"  Then a big discussion took place about how the US are not terrorists and that we're justified and blah blah blah.  Her take on the comment was, would I rather risk a team of six or seven American soldiers on a mission in hostile territory, or send in a robot to take out the target?  Of course I wouldn't want to risk American lives.  But we shouldn't be there in the first place.  No WMDs, Bin Laden is dead, Saddam is dead, why are we still there?  

      Is the collateral damage worth it?  Look at Pakistan.  "60 cross-border predator strikes in the period from January 2006 to April 2009 killed 14 wanted al-Qaeda leaders and 687 Pakistani civilians."  So for that time period, and only in Pakistan, the US killed  about 49 innocent people per terrorist.  Innocent people are getting blown up in the streets, in their homes, in the marketplace...if that's not terrorism than I don't know what is.   I don't like loss of life.  I was upset that they killed Bin Laden.  Before I start getting hate mail, I want to clarify that statement.  Bin Laden deserved to sit in prison for his crimes against humanity.  Is it a fitting end for his body to be eaten by fishes? Sure, why not.  I believe he'll face consequences in the next life for the things that he's done, because that's what I believe in.  But I also believe that he deserved to face justice in this life by sitting in prison.  No matter how screwed up our fellow humans are, they are still humans, not mosquitos.  But unlike mosquitos, they can be punished for their crimes through the monotony and solitude of prison, reflecting on the decisions they made that landed them there.  Even if he thinks what he did was right, he will know the reason his personal freedoms have been taken away, are because he killed innocent people.

      Back to the drones, though.  Apart from civilian casualties, another of the most alarming things about America's obsession with drones is that the government is  killing people in countries that we are not at war with.  And in an action that parallels the infamous "Patriot Act" (have to love their word choice for such a despicable display of ignoring inalienable rights), the executive branch has taken upon itself the war time powers that are reserved for, you know, war.   The powers extend even to targeted killings of American's abroad that could possibly be terrorists, though little to know intelligence is required to confirm the validity of terrorist activity.  So if you're an American traveling abroad, and you attended a meeting of anarchists in college one night because you thought it would be funny, that's enough grounds to have you blown up as you walk outside of your hotel.  

    So why are we still there?  You ask a Washington insider, they'll say it's national defense.  Get them before they get us.  "Good guy with a gun vs a bad guy with a gun" scenario.  But is that really it?  Is it because of oil and special interest groups?  Is it the military industrial complex?  Is it because manufacturing of weapons provides jobs in a failing economy?  Is it a personal vendetta?  Maybe the US just can't let go.  Maybe we have too much aggression.  Maybe we do it to prove to countries that can actually defend themselves that we are a force not to be reckoned with.  Maybe we like to prey on the weak.  Maybe it's to show North Korea what will happen if they try anything.  Maybe we're bored.  Maybe it's because we care so little about our own people that we enjoy being distracted by explosions.  Maybe we watch too many Michael Bay films.

     This topic has been on my mind for a long time.  In fact, I tried several times to write about it before scrapping what I had in frustration because I couldn't quite say what I wanted to say about how upset it makes me.  So here it is, attempt number whatever number this is.  And after listening to a lot of Rage Against the Machine and the Flobots, I put together a string of couplets that I named Robots Making Robots (Made in the USA), that says a lot of what I want to say but can only say while rhyming, apparently.  So, here it is:

Robots Making Robots (Made In the USA)

we are machines making machines
running on electric caffeine
designed only for the construction
of new age tools of destruction
we've been programmed to make clones
of each new batch of master's drones
we bid farewell to our new brothers
and if they die, we'll build some others
programmed to rain hellfire from the sky
and film the casualties of those who die
program them to feel no remorse
or to flinch at the sign of a corpse
be it the target, a woman, a child
store it away in a federal file
we machines build machines for our machine king
fueled by power, greed, and political caffeine
--Jake Garrett

So remember kids: eat dessert first; you never know when you might be a casualty in a drone strike.

Episode #5

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Zombie Apocalypse on news alert, man fights off attackers while holding fish and chips, girlfriend gets toe bitten off, woman dies of drinking coke, Rubio fends off water bottle gate, and more!   

Week in Headlines 

• Meteor Streaks Across Russian Urals, Leaves Nearly 1000 Injured
• Pope is pooped No Vatican For Old Men - 85 years old, first to resign in 600 years
• US shark attacks hit highest level since 2000

What's in the box? 

• Emergency Alert System Hacked to Warn of Fake Zombie Apocalypse -
• John Wood Says He Fought Off 4 Attackers While Holding Fish And Chips 
• Daniel Anaya Allegedly Bites Off Part Of Ex-Girlfriend's Toe 
• Chef kills girlfriend for not being hungry
• Woman died of drinking coca cola 
• Unofficial Spokesman of Heart Attack Grill Dies...of a heart attack

Politics

• State of the union
• Clip from Jimmy Dore Show

Opinion

• Water bottle gate -- everything is a gate or conspiracy theory.  this is embarrassing.

I don't care!

• Maggie Smith doesnt watch Downton Abbey
• Brad Pitt and Angie release their own wine
• Tierra Engagement Hoax?
• John Mayer On Katy Perry: 'I Don't Feel Like I'm In A Celebrity Relationship

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