I remember when Vampires were creepy and weird and deadly
long before they were vegan and sparkly and friendly
they would take shapes like bats and dogs and fog
and not be depressed, aloof, or socially odd
they walked in daylight and purchased real estate
stayed out early and slept in late
visited zoos and insane asylums
and were their own species, genus, and phylum
lived in big mansions and preyed on house guests
and converted their victims by tearing open their chest
yes, those were the times when vampires scared
and people gathered by the fear that they shared
but it will never again be the same
because Meyer made vamps lame
--Jake Garrett
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