What Happened To Good Old Fashioned "Hallmark Presents: Valentine's Day"?

What was originally a brilliant Hallmark marketing strategy has turned into Facebook's clarion call for whiners.  Good old fashion Valentine's chocolates, flowers, and cards written by strangers that we give to those closest to us that say, "I care about you X dollars worth," are now being overshadowed by self-centered pleas for attention.  These sad saps are all about "look how lonely I am," "me, me, me," and "if I'm not in a relationship on this one day out of the year, not only am I an utter failure, but will never produce offspring of my own."

The pitiful groans of those lonely souls has crowded out the happy sighs of the recipients of costly chocolate boxes, oversized teddy bears, and serenades from boomboxes held above heads.  This must not be.  These victims of unrequited love make such a fuss that happy couples are discouraged from showering each other with perishable food items and sparkly things, because for every happy receptionist who receives a bouquet, there are two angry accountants who now resent the receptionist.  Perhaps a careful re-evaluation of professional and personal goals would show an increase in potential mates for these accountants, but that discussion is for another time. 

Oddly, it is as if only this day do the single folk realize, "I am bitter and alone."  They then step out into life with their newfound self-awareness of their relationship status, and as a result, only see happy couples skipping hand in hand through fields of grain, sharing ice cream cones on tandem bikes, and tolerating romantic comedies.  They then take to the internet to vent their frustrations, making those happy people feel guilty for having what they themselves cannot, as though the happy ones are to blame for their misfortune.  Therefore, this holiday that was so carefully constructed by a single corporation now hangs in the balance from a radical redefinement.  Will it remain as the day in which happy couples buy red colored things for each other?  Or will it be a day where jealous loners complain louder than usual, to the point that the day is so dreary that no one feels like celebrating?  Will the whiners put Valentine's Day as we know it out of business? I need not mention this manufactured holiday affects Hallmark's bottom line, creates jobs, and stimulates the economy. 

Simply put, these whiney desolate people are unAmerican.  They hate job creation almost as much as Mitt Romney, and seek for the loss of jobs with a fervent passion.  This self-centered approach to economics surprisingly defies the underlining principles of capitalism.  Proposition: these whiney single people are also socialists.


So what is to be done?  How can Hallmark save its holiday from inevitable destruction by the grief-stricken socialists?   Hallmark must allow for a second holiday; and sell ice cream and booze.  That is the only way to properly utilize these self-depricating souls for restoring our country's greatness, taking back traditional Valentine's Day for couples, and allowing the miserable to vent pathetically and unashamed.  "Single-Awareness Day" has been tossed around for awhile, but I think  "Return to High School Mentality and Self-Esteem Day" could be considered.  That title is much more accurate.  Or perhaps to bridge the divide between the two separate holidays sharing one day, call it "The Haves and Have-Nots Day",  because convincing the single people to just not observe Valentine's Day would be preposterous.  Whether they like it or not, they are celebrating Valentine's day by proving so staunchly that they are not.  Now they can embrace something. 


So sure, let the Have-Nots complain and have their day in the sun, pointing in scorn at those Haves for being more fortunate than the them.  After angry/depressing rants on the internet, the lonesome Have-Nots of the U.S. turn to the cup and the bowl to drown their sorrows in front of the television.  The womenfolk will watch empowering movies that instill in their minds how much they don't really need men, and are better off on their own.  When they realize they are lying to themselves, they will eat some more Moose Tracks (now provided by Hallmark!).  The menfolk will watch horrifically violent movies and forget what day it was for the second time that day.  There they will sit for hours until a sugar induced coma or inebriation carries them mercifully to sleep.  And so it ends.  365 more days until the next painful re-awakening of self-awareness.


Once the lonely-hearts club has settled in for a terribly depressing night, the Haves can guilt-free gift the boxes and bears and flowers to their hearts' content.  This is a win-win-win situation.  The happy stay happy, the unhappy remain unhappy, and both are oblivious customers of Hallmark.  Holiday maintained, and Holiday created.  Mission accomplished.