Congress declares Pizza = vegetable

Congress recently confirmed the age old question "is pizza a vegetable?" with a comforting "yes". No longer will you and your children lose sleep over that question.  Moreover, congress can finally concentrate its efforts on less pressing issues like is double fudge brownie ice cream dairy? Are double Whoppers fruit if you don't remove the tomato?  And, how can we balance the budget by ignorantly refusing to raise taxes while simultaneously refusing to make cutbacks on government funded programs?  I'm so relieved that the pizza dilemma has been put to bed.

Super Committee: Super Fail

Well, I can't say I'm not surprised.  I am, however, very disappointed.  Not in the sense that the goal wasn't accomplished, no, the real tragedy here is that absolutely nothing happened.  Remember the good old days when congressmen disagreed they would beat their opponent mercilessly with a cane like Preston Brooks did to Charles Sumner?  No canes were used by the super committee.  There was nothing super about it. 

Here's our buddy Sumner.  Doesn't he look like he just may need a good beating? 

Those were the days!  Discussions so heated that fists flew left and right until everyone who left the room was red, white and blue.   True Americans.  Unfortunately, after every day of long hours put in by the supposed "super" committee, each member trudged wearily out of the room with a noticeable lack of red and blue.  They are, however, defiantly true to the white aspect of the committee (which I don't think got enough attention in the press).

I think the super committee owes America an apology.  In every American's heart burns the question, where are the Aaron Burr's and Alexander Hamilton's of today?   I'm sure Burr and Brooks are turning in their graves at the sight of this clearly unAmerican approach to politics and debate.  This is not the America that Americans signed up for.   I'm sure that  John Hancock would be the first to remove his signature from the parchment and declare, "I would rather be enslaved to King George than live in a nation where we cannot speak our minds with our fists!"

When I imagine a super committee, I'm thinking The Avengers or Justice League of congress.  My super committee would include Burr, Hamilton, Jefferson, Adams, Brooks, and Franklin (to be the comic relief when it all hits the fan).  

To apologize for the great disappointment that the current super committee has caused, I think it's only fair that John Kerry (who looks eerily just like Andrew Jackson) and Rob Portman (who looks like he could be the late Pete Postlethwaite's twin) treat us to a cage match.  Usable weapons for the match include stop signs, chairs, and garbage cans.

 They owe it to America.

Nope. He Cain't.

Looks like our buddy Herman had no desire on turning around his campaign from being a joke to a contender for President.  And let's face it, it was a joke.  This is the man who wants highly electrified fences on the borders with a sign that reads "It will kill you", claims he will not allow any Muslims in his cabinet if elected, and answers all questions except those regarding sexual harassment with "9-9-9."  This is the man whose campaign manager blows cigarette smoke defiantly into the camera at the end of a campaign video, teaching us that running for President is cool, easy, and cancer inducing.  He forgets about thousands of dollars being paid out in court settlements, remembers, forgets forgetting, remembers he forgot, and then forgets remembering.  Here is a man who has one idea, the 9-9-9 plan, and not a single other original idea or plan for what to do if placed in the White House.  He refers to women as Princess, Tutti-Fruitti, and other pet names, yet denies sexually harassing women.  Here's a man who reassures us that whatever Obama's policy is in Libya, he is opposed to it.  What if that plan encourages democracy, Herm?  What if it were opposing genocide?  Think Herm, think.


Herman, if you by some Christmas Miracle end up in the White House and successfully implement your 9-9-9 plan, what next?  What about foreign policy?  You know, that stuff in Libya? Those American troops in the Middle East? Trade? Debt to China? Surviving an economic apocalypse when the Euro can only be useful as toilet paper and a source of heat?  He's got to have some other reason to occupy the hot seat in the Oval Office, visit congress, and address the nation.  Oh yeah, being President is cool.  What other reason is needed?  


The 9-9-9 plan is great for Cain.  How can he possibly forget the third number in his plan?  It's fool proof.  Had Perry dubbed his plan the Government-Government-Government plan, he would be looking slightly better now than he does.


I gained some insight into Herman's head with his philosophy on life.  Don't eat sissy pizza.  “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is. … Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance...A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza… I love the sausage, the mushrooms. Love it.”  More is better.  More sexual harassment allegations, the better!  More statements objectifying women in the press, the better!  Let's pile that stuff on baby, yeah!  No sissy pizza, and no sissy campaigning, you gotta pull out all the stops.  If your name is in the headlines, your name is in the headlines.  And his name is in the headlines.  But I guess you need more to get you into the White House, like maybe policies, or ideas, or something like that.


Pull yourself together Herm!  A guy named Newt is even ahead of you, man!  Though you've got a lot of skeletons in the closet, Newt has a free admission museum of atrocities under his belt.  And he's beating you.  Here's some advice: read the news.  Watch the news.  Listen to the news.  Something, anything.  If you have no idea what the current president is doing in Libya and you want to step into his shoes next year, you're going to be in a world of hurt.  While you're busy piling more greasy toppings on your pizza, your running mates are coming up with ideas, often unrealistic and highly entertaining, but ideas nonetheless.  

Why I Hate Public Restrooms

I hate public restrooms.  I try to avoid them as much as possible, and it is not just because of the smell, lack of sanitation and toilet seat covers, or even the natural adhesives that the tile kindly applies to my shoes.  Those are expected norms of the restroom experience.
What I don't care for, is how everything has to be automatic for my convenience and sanitary precautions.  

For example: say you walk into a bathroom.You begin to do your business. Suddenly, the automatic toilet begins to flush and you haven't finished yet.  With all the violent swirling water, you get your business all over yourself.  Cursing impatiently in your head, you finish what you started.

Next, you go to wash your hands.  You approach the sink and thrust your hands underneath the faucet.  You wait.  Nothing happens.  You move to another sink.  This time, ice cold water bursts forth like a geyser. With no direct stream path, water splashes all over you adding to the embarrassing amount of business you already have on your pants.  Well, you think to yourself, now I can honestly say the sink got water all over my pants.

Because there is no way to change the pressure or the temperature of the water, you stand as far back from the sink as your arms allow you,  reach for the water, and cringe.  After wetting your hands, you place your hand under the automatic soap dispenser.  Nothing happens.  As you reach for the dispenser on the other side of the sink, you hear the first dispenser as it excretes soap onto the floor.  Reaching back to the first dispenser, you get an unnecessary amount of foul smelling soap on your hands that, despite your best efforts at scrubbing in the icy  water, leaves a milky residue in the creases of your numb palms.

You hear the second dispenser exude soap on the floor as you approach the automatic paper towel dispenser.  While pausing to look at the second dispenser, you find you are now cursing under your breath.  Because you are distracted with your cursing, you do not hear the sensor of the automatic air freshener fastened to the wall as it prepares to channel a distasteful tropical fruit disaster directly into your unexpecting face. 

You bite your tongue viciously in an effort to stop yourself from screaming what you are thinking, but finding it impossible, express yourself perhaps too loudly.  Your words are jumbled and confusing even to your own ears as your throbbing tongue attempts to paint your elegant list of vocabulary in the air.  The tropical volcanoes that were once your boring and unscented eyes cloud your vision with streams of saline that now flow unashamedly down your enraged mountain of a face.

When you blindly wave your hand in front of the paper towel demon, a paper towel the width of toilet paper creeps out of the demon's mouth.  Not being sufficiently large to dry your hands thoroughly, you wave back and forth for a long ten seconds so the demon can reload.  It spews out another negligible amount of towel that still is not enough.  Wave, dry, repeat.  For better results, follow steps one through three.

Your journey now ends as you face the one object in the room that you absolutely did not want to touch, and is ironically not automatic: the doorknob.

Various Political Updates

Cain He Do It?

In the article The Herman Cain Crack-Up in the Huffington Post last week, the author asks the question:  should a man who paid a woman $35,000 not to talk about something be a president? Let's not be naive, many a president has done that.  But it appears she's not the only one who wants to talk about it.  What started as something that could have been just mud-slinging and political bathwater now appears to be somewhat of an issue.  But let's not let this mask the fact that not everyone running has a clean track record.

Newt Gingrich is himself a snake.  Here's a man who in his political career has had 84 ethics violations filed against him, and the only Speaker of the House to have been disciplined for ethics violations ( Yang, John E. (January 22, 1997). "House Reprimands, Penalizes Speaker". Washington Post.).  In his personal life, he was 19 when he married his 26 year old High School Geometry teacher, who he left after 18 years of marriage to be with a woman with whom he'd been having an affair.  His wife had been in the hospital undergoing surgery when he came and said he wanted a divorce.  After marrying his mistress, he cheated on her and ten years after the end of his first marriage he was divorced again.  He married his second mistress who is 26 years younger than he is.  Ironically, while he himself was cheating on his second wife, he was the head of the Republican investigation of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Now, I understand that no one is perfect, and that even Big Bird makes mistakes.  But let's look at what some of those mistakes are, and judge for ourselves if the moral backbone of the candidate should represent America or not.  Will someone who's personal life is a mess give our country full attention in providing jobs?  I'm not saying we start casting stones here, but perhaps look beyond shiny proposals and platforms and look at the personal life of the candidates as well.  There will be mistakes like anyone else, but some of these mistakes are important measures of character.  A man who even cheats on his mistress is one who I would seriously question.  And if these three allegations of harassment are true, I would question that as well.  It's not who debates the best that should be president, it's who is fit to run the country that deserves to be president.  Let's keep that in mind.  So Cain he do it?  I'm guessing in a matter of days we'll know for sure.