Nope. He Cain't.

Looks like our buddy Herman had no desire on turning around his campaign from being a joke to a contender for President.  And let's face it, it was a joke.  This is the man who wants highly electrified fences on the borders with a sign that reads "It will kill you", claims he will not allow any Muslims in his cabinet if elected, and answers all questions except those regarding sexual harassment with "9-9-9."  This is the man whose campaign manager blows cigarette smoke defiantly into the camera at the end of a campaign video, teaching us that running for President is cool, easy, and cancer inducing.  He forgets about thousands of dollars being paid out in court settlements, remembers, forgets forgetting, remembers he forgot, and then forgets remembering.  Here is a man who has one idea, the 9-9-9 plan, and not a single other original idea or plan for what to do if placed in the White House.  He refers to women as Princess, Tutti-Fruitti, and other pet names, yet denies sexually harassing women.  Here's a man who reassures us that whatever Obama's policy is in Libya, he is opposed to it.  What if that plan encourages democracy, Herm?  What if it were opposing genocide?  Think Herm, think.


Herman, if you by some Christmas Miracle end up in the White House and successfully implement your 9-9-9 plan, what next?  What about foreign policy?  You know, that stuff in Libya? Those American troops in the Middle East? Trade? Debt to China? Surviving an economic apocalypse when the Euro can only be useful as toilet paper and a source of heat?  He's got to have some other reason to occupy the hot seat in the Oval Office, visit congress, and address the nation.  Oh yeah, being President is cool.  What other reason is needed?  


The 9-9-9 plan is great for Cain.  How can he possibly forget the third number in his plan?  It's fool proof.  Had Perry dubbed his plan the Government-Government-Government plan, he would be looking slightly better now than he does.


I gained some insight into Herman's head with his philosophy on life.  Don't eat sissy pizza.  “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is. … Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance...A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza… I love the sausage, the mushrooms. Love it.”  More is better.  More sexual harassment allegations, the better!  More statements objectifying women in the press, the better!  Let's pile that stuff on baby, yeah!  No sissy pizza, and no sissy campaigning, you gotta pull out all the stops.  If your name is in the headlines, your name is in the headlines.  And his name is in the headlines.  But I guess you need more to get you into the White House, like maybe policies, or ideas, or something like that.


Pull yourself together Herm!  A guy named Newt is even ahead of you, man!  Though you've got a lot of skeletons in the closet, Newt has a free admission museum of atrocities under his belt.  And he's beating you.  Here's some advice: read the news.  Watch the news.  Listen to the news.  Something, anything.  If you have no idea what the current president is doing in Libya and you want to step into his shoes next year, you're going to be in a world of hurt.  While you're busy piling more greasy toppings on your pizza, your running mates are coming up with ideas, often unrealistic and highly entertaining, but ideas nonetheless.