Late Night Philosophical Nonsense.

I haven't blogged in a long time. So I guess wide awake at 2:00 in the morning is as good a time as any. Sometimes things happen in your life that you have no control over: a death, a car accident, being fired, receiving a miniscule and degrading annual raise defining your worth and status in a company, what have you. Being affected by something and being powerless to change it is a difficult pill to swallow.

I was part of a leadership team for an organization at USU. I have been for a year and a half, and had planned on continuing that until I graduate. Some changes occurred, a new president was put in, and he decided to start everything fresh by replacing the entire leadership team with a new team. Our former team that I was apart of won a prestigious award that we went to Las Vegas to receive. And yet, unfathomably, the new president replaced that team wanting a fresh outlook and "new blood". He created a new team of people who scarcely know what the organization is about.

The worst part of all of it, is that he didn't bother to let the former team know that they were being "let go". So now I won't have three and a half years of leadership experience on my resume, or all the networking possibilities wah wah wah, boo hoo. And there is nothing I can do about that.

It seems small and insignificant, sure, but how about the humiliation I had standing in front of my peers who knew I was no longer apart of the team and addressing them as one of their own without the slightest clue that I had been axed? And then confronting him later and being told that I wasn't a part of the team months after the fact? And after having contributed most of the ideas that he said he was going to implement as if his own thick head conjured them from the vaults of wisdom hidden within.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

What do you do? Do you chew the person out? What good does it do? Sure, maybe he'd put me back on the team if I made a fuss, but if I know I wasn't wanted on the team, I won't want to work with the team. And I sure won't want to work with him. The decision was made and it's finality was well established by everyone but me because he didn't have the guts to tell me I was no longer a part of the team.

Remember in elementary school the kid in the class that always told you you colored wrong, you jumped rope poorly, you shot the basketball and crossed the monkeybars like a pansy? Remember how that made you feel? The nerve of some people. You pull out the rubber and glue analogy and try to throw it back in their face. And why? Cause you're kids and you don't know how to handle it. The kid just laughs at you because he made you feel stupid and then you personally affirmed your intelligence by reciting poetry to him in defense.

So a decision was made and whether or not I like it, giving the president a piece of my mind won't change a thing. And why should it? If I tell him what to do he'll resent me for it, even if he knows it's for the best. I won't fuel the fire of his indignation by telling him how to run the group. It's not my place. And it's not anyone's place. Nothing anyone says to him will change his mind. He cut me out. It was his decision. So deal with it like an adult. Take my bow to the silent stunned audience and pray the curtain doesn't hit me on the way down to add to my embarrassment.

Did I have an earful for him? You bet I did. How dare he he cut me out without even telling me? I was boiling beneath the surface that was hardly masked by a pleasant demeanor. I was livid. But I had to see this guy every day for the next three days because I was stuck in a city with him far from home. Was I a coward for not wearying his ears with my anger, or trying to throw it back in his face with an elementary school jingle of sticks and stones or rubber and glue? I don't think so. I'm not going to lecture him about coloring in the lines or shooting a basketball, and I'm not going to tell him how to run the organization he's hand picked and worked with for several weeks without me. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of hearing me whine after he figuratively slapped me in the face.

Life gives you lemons, and sometimes life throws them viciously at you when your back is turned. Michael J. Fox once said, "The only decision in my life that I don't have, is whether or not I have Parkinsons." And for me, the only decision in my life that I don't have is the decision that is made by someone else. I don't have to like it, I only have to accept that it was made and decide what I can do to improve my situation. Sometimes it's "going to the mattresses" and sometimes it's the path of least resistance. Why contaminate someone else with my anger if it doesn't improve the situation? It's sort of childish, isn't it? He wronged me. He threw that lemon at my head and knocked me off my feet. Sure it's gratifying to throw it right back and strike an adam's apple, but didn't Ghandi say that "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, and the whole world would be blind and toothless"? Maybe it was Rev Tevye.

The point I'm getting at is that there are things that happen that are beyond our control. Sometimes people make decisions that we can't understand. Maybe I just don't have all the facts. If I did, maybe they would add up to be a carefully constructed formula that is both logical and intuitive. Or maybe it's complete garbage and foulplay. I can dispute it, I can fight it, but I can't change it because it's out of my control. It's done, it's over, now what? How many times has that question been asked: now what?

You're in check, and are left with few options. The board is all but cleared and you have a rook and a pawn. Your opponent laughs from across the table, but the game isn't over just yet, is it? You form a new plan. You work with what you've got. You see new paths that otherwise wouldn't present themselves until you're forced to look for them. Sure, maybe you fail in the end, but at least there is an end. At least you didn't drop out before the last piece struck the table and you knew precisely the outcome. You knew exactly where you stood.

So I ask the question:

Now what?