So I don't know if any of y'all are following this Charlie Sheen business. He be straight up crazy. Is he pulling a Joaquin Phoenix, or is he just delusional from "banging 7 gram rocks" and living a "@$^@&@$ rockstar lifestyle"? Let's look at the facts:
1) Most Paid Television Actor this year for performance in Two and a Half Men. First of all, who watches that show? I don't even know what it's about. I guess always kind of assumed that it was either about two gay guys who adopted a kid, or three elderly men suffering from diabetes. Apparently this show has been around for eight years, and people are still wondering does anyone watch this show?? and if no one is watching, why are they still making new episodes? (at least until recently)
2) Has not been in a significant leading movie role since 1989, and at that, those movies were forgettable. His best performance was a two minute segment at the end of Ferris Bueller.
3) Son of "famous?" actor Martin Sheen. Growing up watching his daddy living that life so he got plenty of ideas there I suppose.
Let's analyze the facts here than. He is either:
a) just "living the dream" of his undeserved fortune and withdrawals from severe cocaine addiction
b) trying to get some attention because his career is at an all time low
or
c) mentally unstable.
Now let's take a look at some of our favorite Sheen quotes, tweets, and oddities straight from the Sheenius himself. These nuggets are pure gold. Or just nuggets. But, in the words of LeVar Burton, "don't take my word for it."
(special thanks to http://charlieswinning.com/quotes/ for the quotes)
“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Wow. Can I Just say that he paints such a detailed visual, I can see exactly the level of morbidity (spell checker says I'm ok with that one) and delusionalism (spell checker says I'm not on that one) in his head.
“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.” Right on the money. If you have tiger's blood in you you're not just different, you are a miracle. You also might have tiger aids.
“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.” Sure, if you're on drugs you could meet famous stars and see people as though they had no arms. everyone has a bad trip sometimes and has to hang out with Jagger. Look at Randy Jackson.
“I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks. Because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go.”
“I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning.” What does that even mean? bi-winning? You win, and yet, you win? A win-win situation? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.” The tiger's blood must be immune to mercury. Or maybe his drug experimentation has gone too far.
“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.” Give up on the lotto man, let it go.
“Dying is for fools, amateurs.”
“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” Fire breathing - ok, you know what, no. I'll just take your word for it.
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.” That's gotten you in trouble with the coppers before. I don't think I would ever describe love as violent dude. That will only land you in the slammer. Again.
“I’ve got a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7 year old.” Pure genius. Couldn't have said it any better.
“I am battle tested bayonets” wait, what?
“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.”Now I'm lost for real.
"Rumors? fact? while feet drag, the warlock levitates. Away from fools gold, or towards the actual mine." So is it a rumor or a fact about the levitating warlock? Or is it a rumor or fact that someone's feet are dragging? Or is the warlock not levitating high enough because his feet are dragging on the ground? Or is the warlock a metaphor for Charlie who is levitating high as a kite? or...
"I'm dealing with fools and trolls, I don't have time for these clowns!" Who does have time for clowns when you've got trolls to deal with? Remember Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? When there was a Troll loose in Hogwarts you didn't see him sitting in at the circus popping peanuts into his mouth and laughing casually at Bozo's antics. Oh no, he dealt with that troll even to the point of being covered in bogey. And what about Frodo and the Fellowship trapped in the Mines of Moria? You didn't hear them say, "Hey, why don't we go catch Barnum and Bailey's tonight? I can't handle these trolls." Negative, you did not. Charlie, maybe we've got you all wrong dude. Maybe we're not seeing things straight.
We're definitely not seeing this "straight". Poor Jimmy Kimmel didn't even see it coming.
Is it any coincidence that after all this insanity he is doing live shows across the country? What will he do, I wonder, at his live shows. Stand up? He definitely is funny, however not because of his "wit". Maybe he'll "bang seven gram rocks" and let people witness the dangerous spectacle. Maybe he'll just trash the set. Maybe he'll perform magic tricks he learned from the warlock. Whatever he does, I'm sure he'll win.
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