A Lesson On Language

It's been on my mind for awhile now.  I hear things every day, and I'm sure you do too, that make me scratch my head and wonder, "did you just say what I think you said?  Did I hear that correctly?"  I'm astounded by some of the things that come out of people's mouths.

Here's one, the misuse of the word "literally".  It used to be an antonym for "metaphorically", but has morphed into a synonym.

• If you literally "cried your eyes out", hats off to you. That's quite the feat. Eyes are roughly the size of golf balls, so to squeeze them out of your face must have been exhilarating. How did  you get them back in?

• "I literally got my heart ripped out." Oh, really? Indiana Jones style, huh? Lucky for you all your veins and arteries were kept intact so all you needed were a few stitches and an asprin, right? I mean, that could have ended REALLY badly for you.
• "I literally jumped out of my skin."  I had a hermit crab that went through the molting process once, call me next summer when you're about to start again.  I'd love to see this.

• "The president can literally change the direction of the world."  Let's make Utah subtropical.   Also, let's get more daylight on Christmas.  Come on Obama, FOCUS. 

I also hear the abuse of the word "epic".  Websters says " extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope".  Let me put this into perspective for you.

• Beowulf defeating Grendel was epic. Finding half a poptart in your backpack was not. 

• Gandalf single-handedly slaying the Balrog was epic.  Having a quiet night at home eating ice cream and catching up on Real Housewives of New Jersey -- not so much.

• Jason beheading the hydra and stealing the golden fleece was epic. Finding a misspelled word on a milk carton was not.

• Perseus slicing off the head of Medusa was epic.  Standing at the bus stop eating a soft pretzel -- wait, tell me more about that soft pretzel.  I need all the facts to make an informed decision.

The word "awesome" means inspiring, astounding, miraculous. A solar eclipse is awesome.  Buying half priced donuts at closing time is not.

"Ironic", as my friend James pointed out, does not mean "coincidental".   Irony is when you say, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if that guy walking down the street suddenly fell through a manhole?" and then right after that he gets hit by a trolley.

Last of all, have you heard people say "I might could"? You might -- or you could.  If you "might could" do something,  I'll tell you what will definitely happen. Your ambiguity will make my head explode. Literally. It will be epic.