Rocker/hunter Ted Nugent's "public persona" is "actually just a toned-down version of his private self," said an anonymous source close to the lunatic. "He's actually quite bonkers."We asked our source to describe a typical day in the life of the Nuge, and the details have been provided in full:
"Well, Ted usually wakes up and puts on a fresh pair of American flag briefs first thing. Then, he polishes his AK-47, his shotgun, or whichever gun he fell asleep cuddling with the night before. After smiling at himself in the mirror for ten minutes, he does a work out routine in his basement. His routine consists of punching live dogs or cats (or whatever animals the shelter had the day before) while they swing upside down from the ceiling while singing along with Madison Rising's "Right to Bear". For breakfast, he skins the animal that survived his workout routine the longest, and eats the raw meat like cereal using Jack Daniels for milk. He often visits his grandkids and plays games like Hide and Seek and Kill. It's a game where he fills a gun with blanks and tells the kids to hide, then when he finds them he empty's his clip while screaming "Death to Socialism" while the children scream.
"If he's not out brutally murdering innocent animals in the woods, he likes to google himself and update his wikipedia page. He also enjoys the "Nuge Luge", which is a downhill racer that he constructed. He rides down hills while playing a custom built guitar that has a shotgun barrel for the neck, and shooting it off in time with his crazy guitar licks blasting from an amplifier attached to the back (at the base of a giant American Flag with his face embroidered out of stars)."For quiet time, he enjoys watching Tarantino films and eating a bucket of lizards. He's been known to put one particular scene of Hitler getting shot in the face on a slow-motion loop while he falls asleep. For not-so-quiet time, "Nugebag" (as some family refer to him) enjoys throwing parties in the woods where he rehearses his post-apocalyptic survival strategy in the event of a successful full-scale Democratic re-election scenario.
"For dinner, he enjoys eating real American food from Panda Express. Frequently, he eats with two 9mm handguns as chopsticks, fills them with blanks, and discharges them while he eats 'for the thrill of it'.
"I once asked him while visiting his house for a birthday party, 'Uncle Ted, do you carry a firearm with you at all times?' to which he responded, '(Expletive) Yeah! How else will I be able to protect myself from the (expletive) socialists and commies when they come to burn my first edition signed copy of The Wealth of Nations, or my reel of Birth of a Nation? Or my Zeppelin shirt that Ozzy spit on during a Sabbath concert?'I also asked him if he takes any medication for his paranoia, to which he responded '(Expletive) no, I don't take pills, I channel my fear and aggression into hunting. Nothing calms the soul like thoughtless killing.'
"How would I describe him? If you took Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, and Charlie Sheen (if he cared about politics the way he cares about cocaine and women) and combined them into one monster, that embarrassing representation of humanity would still pale in comparison to the atrocity that he is. I don't know how to describe him. He's the Nuge."
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