Ron Paul Gives Up Hope For Lent

Ron Paul announced this morning that he will participate in Lent by giving up hope for the White House.

"Not being Catholic doesn't mean I can't participate in the holiday," he announced during a press conference outside his home.  "The idea behind Lent is giving up something we know we shouldn't be doing.  Whether you're a 35 year old man living in your parents' basement playing World of Warcraft instead of working, or a mother who dresses her daughter as Julia Robert's character from Pretty Woman and entering her into beauty contests, these are things that we like; but just have to let go," explained Paul, holding up pictures of both examples to emphasize his point.

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and decided that for me, I've got to give up hope for the White House," Paul sighed, holding up a photo of himself smiling.  "In the end, it's destructive to my soul to continue to lie to myself.  By letting go of these lies that I tell myself, I will then be able to communicate the truth to my supporters, being, I don't have a chance.  I'm just too crazy."

Paul then took questions from reporters.

What Happened To Good Old Fashioned "Hallmark Presents: Valentine's Day"?

What was originally a brilliant Hallmark marketing strategy has turned into Facebook's clarion call for whiners.  Good old fashion Valentine's chocolates, flowers, and cards written by strangers that we give to those closest to us that say, "I care about you X dollars worth," are now being overshadowed by self-centered pleas for attention.  These sad saps are all about "look how lonely I am," "me, me, me," and "if I'm not in a relationship on this one day out of the year, not only am I an utter failure, but will never produce offspring of my own."

The pitiful groans of those lonely souls has crowded out the happy sighs of the recipients of costly chocolate boxes, oversized teddy bears, and serenades from boomboxes held above heads.  This must not be.  These victims of unrequited love make such a fuss that happy couples are discouraged from showering each other with perishable food items and sparkly things, because for every happy receptionist who receives a bouquet, there are two angry accountants who now resent the receptionist.  Perhaps a careful re-evaluation of professional and personal goals would show an increase in potential mates for these accountants, but that discussion is for another time. 

Oddly, it is as if only this day do the single folk realize, "I am bitter and alone."  They then step out into life with their newfound self-awareness of their relationship status, and as a result, only see happy couples skipping hand in hand through fields of grain, sharing ice cream cones on tandem bikes, and tolerating romantic comedies.  They then take to the internet to vent their frustrations, making those happy people feel guilty for having what they themselves cannot, as though the happy ones are to blame for their misfortune.  Therefore, this holiday that was so carefully constructed by a single corporation now hangs in the balance from a radical redefinement.  Will it remain as the day in which happy couples buy red colored things for each other?  Or will it be a day where jealous loners complain louder than usual, to the point that the day is so dreary that no one feels like celebrating?  Will the whiners put Valentine's Day as we know it out of business? I need not mention this manufactured holiday affects Hallmark's bottom line, creates jobs, and stimulates the economy. 

Simply put, these whiney desolate people are unAmerican.  They hate job creation almost as much as Mitt Romney, and seek for the loss of jobs with a fervent passion.  This self-centered approach to economics surprisingly defies the underlining principles of capitalism.  Proposition: these whiney single people are also socialists.


So what is to be done?  How can Hallmark save its holiday from inevitable destruction by the grief-stricken socialists?   Hallmark must allow for a second holiday; and sell ice cream and booze.  That is the only way to properly utilize these self-depricating souls for restoring our country's greatness, taking back traditional Valentine's Day for couples, and allowing the miserable to vent pathetically and unashamed.  "Single-Awareness Day" has been tossed around for awhile, but I think  "Return to High School Mentality and Self-Esteem Day" could be considered.  That title is much more accurate.  Or perhaps to bridge the divide between the two separate holidays sharing one day, call it "The Haves and Have-Nots Day",  because convincing the single people to just not observe Valentine's Day would be preposterous.  Whether they like it or not, they are celebrating Valentine's day by proving so staunchly that they are not.  Now they can embrace something. 


So sure, let the Have-Nots complain and have their day in the sun, pointing in scorn at those Haves for being more fortunate than the them.  After angry/depressing rants on the internet, the lonesome Have-Nots of the U.S. turn to the cup and the bowl to drown their sorrows in front of the television.  The womenfolk will watch empowering movies that instill in their minds how much they don't really need men, and are better off on their own.  When they realize they are lying to themselves, they will eat some more Moose Tracks (now provided by Hallmark!).  The menfolk will watch horrifically violent movies and forget what day it was for the second time that day.  There they will sit for hours until a sugar induced coma or inebriation carries them mercifully to sleep.  And so it ends.  365 more days until the next painful re-awakening of self-awareness.


Once the lonely-hearts club has settled in for a terribly depressing night, the Haves can guilt-free gift the boxes and bears and flowers to their hearts' content.  This is a win-win-win situation.  The happy stay happy, the unhappy remain unhappy, and both are oblivious customers of Hallmark.  Holiday maintained, and Holiday created.  Mission accomplished.

You Know It's Gotten Bad When Santorum Is Targeted

Rick Santorum had his fifteen minutes in Iowa, and then gracefully took his position on the backburner of American minds.  Everyone but Rick knows he's beaten, and Mitt knows that the only thing more fun then kicking a dead horse, is kicking a fellow Republican.

With the Convention drawing nearer, Mitt is hitting his second wind.  Along with the new spurt of fierce hatred for those without as much money as him, he's also inherited Charles Barkley's angry elbows to push his way to the front.  What Mitt is forgetting, is that he's already in the front.  There's no need to shame the shameful Santorum.  Americans had already forgotten about him.  Mitt however is not afraid to let his angry shamelessly ridiculous self rear its ugly head in what has become perhaps the ugliest campaign season since...well, the last campaign season.

With Romney's money and now Trump's money, Romney has bought himself a round trip Republican Nominee ticket for the White House.  The sign now reads: Election For Sale SOLD to highest bidder.  And yet he still finds the need to spit on the lowly Santorum?  In other news, the poor are jumping on trampolines of poorly maintained "safety nets".

Let's judge this book by its cover.

How Mitt Won Florida

According to a recent study of campaign ads in Florida, "of the 3,276 ads Romney’s campaign ran, 99% were attacking another candidate. Meanwhile, all of the 4,969 spots from Restore Our Future (Romney's super PAC) were negative."

It would appear that Mitt won Florida not because the voters voted for him, but because they voted against his opponents (despite serenading old folks homes with apparently the only song Mitt knows, America the Beautiful, which he has quoted the lyrics at every rally he goes to).  Sure, Gingrich did say Spanish is the language of "the ghetto", and that definitively lost him the large Latino vote, but what it really comes down to is money is speech.  If you have more money, your voice is loudest.  How can Romney's opponents put out positive ads for themselves when their budgets only allow them a whisper while Romney's budgets are screaming through a bullhorn?

Romney is running a very negative campaign against his opponents.  Instead of saying this is my solution that will work, he's spending millions of dollars to point out why his opponent's solutions are flawed.  Or how his opponents themselves are flawed.  Is he really that sure of himself?

What's ironic is that the GOP is always tooting the horn of  "tradition", "values", and "morality", and yet this political war is one of the worst I can remember.  If the Republican Party wants to take the white house, they need to stop dividing the party.  The party's goal is not to find the best candidate to put in the white house, it's to get a Republican into the white house.  They don't even care which one.  But in the meantime, Republican's across the nation are growing to hate the potential nominees nearly as much as they hate the current administration in Washington.  So what is inevitably going to happen, is the party will be divided with support for the nominee which could lose them the election.  Apparently they're not all on the same page, because they are fighting very hard to reelect President Obama.

So what about the other candidates that are rarely talked about, Santorum and Paul?  Santorum is hanging on a prayer, and Paul is hanging onto delusion.  

Stay tuned.

Long, Awful Day

I don't know what it is about writing my thoughts to either an unknown audience, or not knowing if there is an audience that is being written to that calms me.  I feel pretty downtrodden.  I feel defeated.  I went to talk to my academic adviser today about graduation.  I'm on track to graduate in the fall, which is a relief.  I also had some questions about grad school.  My initial idea was to do the dual MSHR/MBA program that everyone talks about.  I've been planning on doing that for the last two years.  I found out not too long ago, that that program is only offered in the fall, so I'd have to wait a year after being done with school to go back.

I changed my plans.  Given the circumstances, I figured it would be better to just pursue an MBA.   I had heard about an MBA program that you could do Friday and Saturday, allowing you to work during the week.  Since we're having a baby this year I figured that would be the best option, maybe even a blessing in disguise.  Well, today I found out that program is only offered every two years, and it started Spring 2012, and won't be offered again until Spring 2014.  So now that plan is gone too.

Now I just don't know what to do.  I've heard so many people who graduated and started working, saying "I'll go back for my masters after I work a couple years."  They never go back to school.  I don't want to be that person, and I don't want to wait around a couple years working two part-time jobs either.

I don't know why my plans never actually work.  Even when buying a car, we tried to  figure out what all the upfront costs were going to be, and because of some complications with the loan, ended up having to put down way more than we were initially told by the dealership.  Then because of some other problems, we spent the next few weeks waiting for a call from the bank to tell us we had to take the car back.

I'm upset that noone ever told me that the programs weren't always offered. But more than that, I'm just upset that whenever I make a goal, I never get to see the end result I imagined.  What's the use in setting goals if third-party circumstances intervene and make the goal invalid?

I don't know how many times in life people have said, "it's so crucial you set goals for yourself", or, "if you don't set goals, you won't get to where you want to go."  So why is it when I sit down and say, this is where I want to be in five years, and this is how I'm going to get there, it doesn't work out?

So, you might say, go to another school for your MBA.  I talked to my adviser about that.  If I stay here, the program is only supposed to take a year to complete.  If I go somewhere else the first year of the two year program is retaking classes I took for my undergrad, which makes my undergrad either completely worthless, or the MBA a waste of time.  But according to the new Department Head that just arrived from Notre Dame, his research shows that my chosen undergrad degree is worthless because the students who graduated from this University have gone on to do prestigious stuff like clerical work and filing for less than $30,000 a year.

If anyone's actually reading this and made it this far, thank you.  I just needed to pour my broken-hearted first-world problems into the keys and hope for a miracle.  I should feel lucky just to have the opportunity at higher education.  I've lived in a third-world country where a mediocre public education was offered through high school, and then people lived out their lives working themselves to the bone, and wondering if they would get shot on the way home from work.

I shouldn't complain.  I've always had a roof over my head, food to eat, and a feeling of safety in my environment.  Maybe the reason that I have to watch my goals and plans get torn apart is to realize that despite it all, I have the basics covered.  Maybe I do end up with a job making barely $30,000 a year.  In America, that's just enough to get buy comfortably.  In other countries I'd be filthy rich.  It's hard to remember those kinds of things when things are good.

So, for a master's degree, I don't know.  It's all up in the air.  Some waiting period is going to have to happen.  In the mean time, I should just keep focusing on covering the basics and being thankful for what I've been given.

SC Republican Debate

It doesn't really matter whether what Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife said is true or not.  The violently angry response from Newt, though he had the right to be angry, was so strong that it makes you wonder.  He spent so much time denying it and rejecting it that he comes under question.  Its like, did you break this vase?  Me?! That vase?! Are you kidding me?  I didn't know there was a vase?  What vase?  When?  Yesterday?  We had a vase yesterday? Don't you ask me about vases!  I want to know where all the cookies are.  I'm astounded that a person of your stature would accuse me in front of my friends for breaking that vase! Show me the cookies, that's the important issue here.  (In photo, Newt demands Mitt pull his finger to relieve the pain built up inside after eating several taquitos from a local 7 Eleven.)

Had Newt just laughed it off and said, "of course that's false, it's two days before the South Carolina Primary, and she hates me", then they could just move on.  Instead, he get's red in the face and says "how dare you ask me that question".  True, that was a stupid question to ask, I'll give him that.  But how would Newt react, if President, and an Iranian terrorist sends him a video flipping him the bird and pretending to poop on a picture of him?  Will he remain cool?  I doubt it.

Second, I question Romney.  Just answer the questions.  Are you saying a net job creation of 100,000 or just saying Bain created 100,000, but through bankruptcy and buy-outs, lost 300,000 jobs?  And why do you keep sweating and stumbling over your words when talking about your tax information?  Everyone else is just throwing it out there.  You afraid that everyone will see you are not a small business and average Joe type guy?  Everyone already knows you're not.  And you're not human enough for anyone to say, "hey, he's the kind of guy I can see having a diet caffeine-free pepsi with.  Also the kind of guy I can end my sentences with prepositions and not be judged for it."  No one would willingly subject his or herself to that beverage anyway, but you get the idea.

Romney spends more time bashing Obama, and hardly any time talking about stuff he'll do.  It's one thing to say, you're wrong, and another to say, it would be better if...  Otherwise, it's like you're the kid on the playground who sits on the sidelines of the basketball court mocking the players every time they make a mistake, and then getting called into the game and standing mid-court picking your nose.

Off my soap box.  Recap time.

Newt remains as smug and self-assured as a house trained kitten sitting in a beam of light by the window, smiling because the owners don't know that he urinated on their pillows.

Santorum continues his signature move of avoiding eye contact with anyone while stumbling over his own words, and introduces a new side of him that speaks in third person.

Wait, Ron Paul was an OBGYN?!?  Turns out he is creepier than I thought.

Paul continues his ode to small government, and dreams of shrinking it, hanging it on a line of hemp, and wearing it around his neck--accessory to his tribal headdress and loin cloth.

Santorum flaunts the fact that he actually won the Iowa caucus, and had twice as much support as the Newt.  But wait, what's that?  Oh yeah, Iowa is irrelevant.  No one cares.

Santorum showed his metaphoric balls tonight by screaming at Newt.  Good for you.  But you're still delusional.

Mitt freaks out a bit when asked about taxes, again.  C'mon Mitt, what are you trying to hide?

Newt toots the "Newt knows best" horn.

Romney's catch phrase, "let me tell ya" precedes every load of crap he throws out there.

There are a lot of promises of what will be done "day one". You won't be repealing anything "day one".  You're going to be moving couches.  Or, more appropriately, delegating the moving of couches.  And you're politicians, you know how long it takes Congress to do anything.  Don't lie to us, please?  We're not that dumb.

Gingrich changed position slightly on SOPA when he got booed.  Stay classy, amphibian.

South Carolina has picked the nominee since 1980.  That doesn't mean it's set in stone.  Even Paul the Octopus didn't pick all 14 World Cup Games.  He missed two.

Vote Voldemort 2012

Ron Paul's Witnesses

You may have seen them or been contacted by them already; they dress as normal people and are unidentifiable other than their bumper stickers, lawn signs, and awkward political zeal when entering your conversations uninvited.

They are few and far between, but are strong, devoted, strictly closed-minded and unapologetically arrogant.  Carbon copies of Paul himself, and simply cannot accept that there are those who don't share their beliefs.  Though their cause for national isolation is noble, it is childishly naive and hopelessly unattainable.  So what do the tracts that they so enthusiastically and passive-aggressively distribute say?

The Gospel of Ron Paul:

Ron Paul's Witnesses preach that Ron Paul is the Chosen One, sent from planet Krypton to bring balance to the Constitution, defeat the machines so that the humans can move above ground once more, unplugging from the Matrix, and casting the One Ring into Mount Doom.

There are, however, some obstacles to overcome.   There is a prophecy that states Ron Paul will come from the very near future to track down Sarah Palin by searching phonebooks and killing off each match, and to refocus his campaign in New Hampshire.  If he fails to do so, Present Ron Paul will not be elected, and consequently not preserve the Constitution.  The same prophecy states that a Kyle Reece, Mitt Romney's campaign manager, will also come from the near future to stop him.

Future Ron Paul will come invisibly to hunt down Palins unless Kyle stops him.  The prophecy is unclear, but suggests that Kyle will enlist the help of Carl Weathers, who when not teaching acting classes, is a commando CIA agent who kills aliens in the Amazon, and knows a thing or two about hunting.  (Not to be confused with Danny Glover,maverick LAPD cop following the weed trafficking from Jamaica in the inner city and alien killer on weekends.)

Kyle and Carl will shrink themselves down and enter Paul's computer in an attempt to take him and his election campaign team down.  They must defeat a young, digital projection of an obviously aged and voiced-over Jeff Bridges. To defeat Paul, they must destroy Bridges and his campaign metadata, and drive neon light motorcycles around for at least a half an hour.

If successful, Kyle and Carl must then infiltrate the Department of Mysteries within the Ministry of Magic and destroy the other prophecy that predicts the end of the election.

If you think thats complicated, it gets worse.  In the future, time has become the currency. Kyle has a clock embedded in his arm which shows how much time he has left to live, and that time will be running out.  This will be to the advantage of both Present and Future Paul, because while Future Paul searches for Palins, Present Paul can search for Kyle whose momentum will be slowing. 

Kyle's only hope to survive is to find Doctor Emmitt Brown, who aided by 1.21 gigawatts, can send Kyle back to the future where he can add more time to his clock.  Secondly, Kyle will also be going through withdrawals.  The futuristic society is based on the music of two would-be high school flunkies from San Dimas during the '80s that were saved by Rufus.

If Paul is not elected, according to the tracts, the Constitution will be radically altered beyond recognition, we will go to war with everyone, the machines will continue to be powered by incubated humans, Sauron will command his orcs to destroy the shire, children will fight to the death in arenas, racism as we know it will cease to exist, and all the trees on Pandora will be cut to the ground.

I hope this has been enlightening and informative.  Now you too can understand how imperative it is to stop the waking nightmare before it begins.

#90sproblems

Twitter had a hashtag today called #90sproblems, and growing up in the nineties, it was a trip down nostalgia lane reading other people's comments.  Here's my list:

#90sproblems mom never answered when I called collect

#90sproblems sea monkeys died before they were big enough to see what they looked like. They sure didn't look like the picture 

#90sproblems never got a decent set of POGS, but i had an optimus prime slammer

#90sproblems parents telling kids they couldn't watch the Simpsons or play Mortal Kombat

#90sproblems Doom blamed for school shootings

#90sproblems Ninja Turtles III was truly awful

#90sproblems kid wearing wheelies runs over your foot

#90sproblems trolls didn't have to be politically correct or wear clothes. Simpler times...

#90sproblems "mobile"phones were measured in shoe sizes

#90sproblems internet sounded like a banjo fighting a tv stuck on white noise

#90sproblems spent half the time blowing on the cartridge and not playing the game

Highlights: Last GOP debatable episode of the year

Ron Paul said anyone on the stage could beat Obama.  He forgot he, Bachmann, Huntsman, Gingrich, Romney, and Santorum were on the stage.  Was he thinking of most improved Avon seller of the year, Meg Kelly?

Crazy-eyed Bachmann quotes Horton Hears a Who.  Cain quoted Pokemon.  For Christmas, Santa should bring politicians some decent literature and classic films.

Crazy Eyes also said she spent "50 years as a real person."  What has she spent the rest of her life as? A cat? A robot?

Rick Perry said him and Obama "will get it on."  I'm not sure what that means in Texas, but in the rest of the states, I know that would be offensive to Rick Santorum.

Apparently the Fox News crowd wanted to see the Trump Debate, no one laughed at Huntsman's joke about not showing up for any Trump Debates. It was funny, come on fox.

"Bret Baier looks like leave it to beaver." -Hannah.  I think he also looks like he popped out of Mad magazine.

Romney said Obama hasn't been living in the real world.  I wonder if he lives in the pretend world that Bachmann lived in during the brief time she was not a real person?

Unfortunately, Ronnie has been making too much sense these days.

I know I'm right because Politifact said so!- Ol' Crazy Eyes (According to Politifact, one thing she said was true, the other was completely made up.)

You can trust me because I write best selling books; claims the newt, smugly.

When asked to name their favorite Chief Justice quickly and move down the line, each candidate refuses to clean out their waxy ears and blah blah blah, their gums flap in time with the Facebook notification noise provided by Fox to shut them up.

Bachmann loves her slippery slope analogies.  Though she may be right that the world would crash if Ron Paul takes office.

It's ironic that Newt says "we need to tell the truth".  When I use the word "we", I include myself in the group.  When Newt uses it, it is synonymous with "you".

Apparently Newt practices not being "zany".  Practice harder, Newty.

Huntsman says that there is a Oil Monopoly.  Is it as much fun as Star Wars Monopoly, or Spongebob Monopoly?  Sounds like a drag.

Why are they talking about Keith Stone?  I guess it's because he's always smooth. 

Des Moines Debate Highlights

Michele Bachmann follows the footsteps of the late great Herman Cain by inventing a catchy title for her tax plan, the "win-win-win" plan.  Just as ambiguous, and just as easy to remember.

Gingrich sucker punches Romney for losing to Ted Kennedy and not being a career politician.  So, being a governor must rule him out for understanding how to be a politician. 

Ron Paul still looks like my old landlord, and continues to act as court jester.

Newt creeps me out whether he is scowling or chuckling.  His maniacal laugh could be used I as a Looney Toons villian.

Bachman talks about newcomer candidate Newt Romney, who is a fat Gingrich with Romney feathered hair.

Newt brags about having written bestsellers, as if that warrants an oval office.

Rick Perry fights weakly to remain relevant, while other Rick bobbles his head, just happy to be there at this point.

Mitt Romney needs to not take policy disputes personally.  Nothing personal, simply politics.

Bachman promised, if elected, not to rest until Obamacare is repealed.  I bet she sneaks in a few cat naps though.