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Friday, December 16, 2011

Highlights: Last GOP debatable episode of the year

Ron Paul said anyone on the stage could beat Obama.  He forgot he, Bachmann, Huntsman, Gingrich, Romney, and Santorum were on the stage.  Was he thinking of most improved Avon seller of the year, Meg Kelly?

Crazy-eyed Bachmann quotes Horton Hears a Who.  Cain quoted Pokemon.  For Christmas, Santa should bring politicians some decent literature and classic films.

Crazy Eyes also said she spent "50 years as a real person."  What has she spent the rest of her life as? A cat? A robot?

Rick Perry said him and Obama "will get it on."  I'm not sure what that means in Texas, but in the rest of the states, I know that would be offensive to Rick Santorum.

Apparently the Fox News crowd wanted to see the Trump Debate, no one laughed at Huntsman's joke about not showing up for any Trump Debates. It was funny, come on fox.

"Bret Baier looks like leave it to beaver." -Hannah.  I think he also looks like he popped out of Mad magazine.

Romney said Obama hasn't been living in the real world.  I wonder if he lives in the pretend world that Bachmann lived in during the brief time she was not a real person?

Unfortunately, Ronnie has been making too much sense these days.

I know I'm right because Politifact said so!- Ol' Crazy Eyes (According to Politifact, one thing she said was true, the other was completely made up.)

You can trust me because I write best selling books; claims the newt, smugly.

When asked to name their favorite Chief Justice quickly and move down the line, each candidate refuses to clean out their waxy ears and blah blah blah, their gums flap in time with the Facebook notification noise provided by Fox to shut them up.

Bachmann loves her slippery slope analogies.  Though she may be right that the world would crash if Ron Paul takes office.

It's ironic that Newt says "we need to tell the truth".  When I use the word "we", I include myself in the group.  When Newt uses it, it is synonymous with "you".

Apparently Newt practices not being "zany".  Practice harder, Newty.

Huntsman says that there is a Oil Monopoly.  Is it as much fun as Star Wars Monopoly, or Spongebob Monopoly?  Sounds like a drag.

Why are they talking about Keith Stone?  I guess it's because he's always smooth. 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Des Moines Debate Highlights

Michele Bachmann follows the footsteps of the late great Herman Cain by inventing a catchy title for her tax plan, the "win-win-win" plan.  Just as ambiguous, and just as easy to remember.

Gingrich sucker punches Romney for losing to Ted Kennedy and not being a career politician.  So, being a governor must rule him out for understanding how to be a politician. 

Ron Paul still looks like my old landlord, and continues to act as court jester.

Newt creeps me out whether he is scowling or chuckling.  His maniacal laugh could be used I as a Looney Toons villian.

Bachman talks about newcomer candidate Newt Romney, who is a fat Gingrich with Romney feathered hair.

Newt brags about having written bestsellers, as if that warrants an oval office.

Rick Perry fights weakly to remain relevant, while other Rick bobbles his head, just happy to be there at this point.

Mitt Romney needs to not take policy disputes personally.  Nothing personal, simply politics.

Bachman promised, if elected, not to rest until Obamacare is repealed.  I bet she sneaks in a few cat naps though.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Last Debate Highlights




Survivor: Celebrity Politician Edition- Plot Thickens As More Contestants Are Eliminated

For our amusement, the republican golf scramble for the White House continues to churn its candidates into the grease of its political machine this week. Unfortunately, the most entertaining player of the politically-charged comedic reality sitcom, Hermain Cain CEO, has graciously tapped out. This has caused great disappointment to many viewers who pined for new romantic plot twists, pokemon references, and catchy one-size-fits-all one liners.  His final address moved the audience nearly to tears as he bid farewell to his fellow contestants and fan base.  This serious toned voice was not the man we knew until he quoted Pokemon: The Movie, assuring us it was not his stuntman or a look-a-like filling in.  Many fans of the program are now wondering how the show will go on without him, much as was speculated when leading man Steve Carrell left The Office.  Only time will tell.

It is also unfortunate that the once critically-acclaimed funny man and supporting actor, Rick Perry, has kept a low profile since his midseason debute on the show.  He quickly proved to be the comedic highlight with his own interpretation of Kramer, that is, until his lines were altered in such a way that the writers were no longer true to his character.  He then sunk back in the shadows and remained dormantly bland for weeks. Like a child in the 19th century, he spoke only when spoken to instead of speaking loudly for attention over the television set like children of today. Thank goodness he is back!

Hilarity ensued during this past week's episode when the Perry we loved returned by asking the youth who would not be 21 by the primary to keep working hard while those who were 21 should vote for him. I still chuckle at his subtle alienation of the undesirable voting demographic of the 18-20 year olds.  His playfully satirical remark plateaued when he mislead the ignorant demographic by implying the wrong date for casting votes! Genius! Only that demographic would be fooled while voters 21 and older sneak quietly to the booth, pencil held high in silent mockery of the politically uninformed.

Not all the contestants are jubilant and care-free, however.  Tensions are running high between the hopeless Huntsman and the wealthy has-been Donald Chump.  The Hair has invited all the contestants to battle before his throne as Commudus of Rome, with the unspoken promise of the victor to be crowned with his endorsement.  Huntsman has refused to bow before the throne, and has begun his own movement of Occupy Any Space Void of the Donald. 

Huntsman's Occupy movement is hurting Chump's pride while simultaneously tearing our eyes from the intertwinings of Donald's beautiful, healthy mane, awakening our minds enough to ask the question, "how is he refusing The Hair?"  He must either be a Hut, or not weak-minded enough to fall victim to Jedi mind tricks.  However it is that he eludes the Hair is yet to be explained. 

Everyone understands the principles behind the adage "you have to kiss a lot of the bottom to make it to the top".  We can only guess what happened to the huntsman who defied the wicked queen by presenting her with the heart of a deer instead of Snow White's.  You cannot fool the Hair, and you cannot fool an employer. Look what happened to Freddo.  

In other contestant news:

Being too busy googling his own name, the other Rick will not be capitalizing on large scale manufacturing and distribution of the long sought after Rick Santorum Bobble-Head collection in time for Christmas. 

Michele Backman is indeed still running, slowly.

Ron Paul's cult remains small and restless, longing for Ron Paul the Grey to transform into Ron Paul the White, and take the ring of power for himself.

Mitt Romney still fumes when others reminisce of another Mitt who believed the opposite of what current Mitt believes.Other Mitt lives perpetually in the past, which will soon create a paradox in the space time continuum because the present will soon pass into the past, where two drastically different Mitts coexist with a polarized state of mind.

Newt Gingrich continues to scowl.